I'll Tell You Mine Read online

  Nate and Annie are going to sneak in to the detention centre. Maddy and I are on litter duty after the tennis round robin down by the courts so they won’t be able to stay long. Maddy is crawling out of her skin and desperate to meet my friends. Even though I really want to hang out with them by myself, I let her come along.

  We get ready together in the bathroom under fluorescent tubes of light that make everyone look corpse-like. Me especially but that’s the look I’m going for.

  Maddy hands me a tube of red gloss that smells like a dessert.

  ‘Very Cherry. Mmm . . . no thanks.’

  She snatches it back and puts a smear on her pout. ‘Suit yourself. It might make you look a little less . . . undead.’

  I grab Maddy’s brush and tease my fringe upwards. I’m wearing my favourite dress. Annie made it for me. It’s dark green silk with a skull and crossbones sewn into the back. Underneath I have a long-sleeved black top and striped stockings with strategic holes. Mum doesn’t let me wear them out. She bought me two new pairs, which I immediately attacked with a pair of scissors.

  Maddy leans into the mirror, curling her lashes. She hasn’t got a single pimple and her eyes are the colour of a chlorinated pool. She’s wearing a pair of red short shorts and a halter top, hair sprayed into a very high ponytail. She looks like a naughty cheerleader. ‘Are you going to wear that?’ I ask.

  ‘Yeah. What’s wrong with it?’ Maddy looks in the mirror. All she can see is that her legs look perfect, her tits are out and her ridiculously symmetrical face is highlighted with just the right amount of blush and sticky lip gloss.

  ‘Nothing. We’re on litter duty, remember? You don’t have to dress up for my friends.’ Which is totally hypocritical of me, seeing as I’m dressing up for Nate’s benefit.

  Maddy goes back to our room and comes back wearing a semi-reasonable hoodie. At least she isn’t carrying pom-poms.

  ‘Better?’ she asks.

  ‘Yeah. Let’s go.’

  Annie and Nate meet us at the back entrance near the tennis courts, out of the sight of teachers. They look so out of place inside Norris I’m surprised an alarm hasn’t gone off. They’re sharing a hipflask of something and Nate is biting his painted nails.

  Annie runs towards me and nearly knocks me over with an enormous hug, cloaking me in her familiar aroma of cigarettes and paint. I’ve missed her.

  Nate ambles over, smiling. I’m nervous and tingly. Every time I see him I think of that night in his room. Does he?

  As I go to hug him I trip on a loose rock and fall into his arms awkwardly. A blush burns up from my chest to the tips of my ears. I wish I were cooler. Sexier. More sure of myself.

  Nate motions behind me at Maddy. ‘Who’s that?’ he asks.

  Maddy totters over on her skyscraper heels and gives Nate and Annie a kiss on the cheek. ‘Hi, I’m Maddy,’ she says.

  Annie and Nate look puzzled by her. She’s not the sort of girl we usually befriend. For the first time since I’ve known her, Maddy is lost for words.

  ‘I love your jacket,’ she finally blurts out to Annie. ‘Where did you get it?’

  Annie looks down at her old leather jacket, which is cracked and dusty like an elephant’s skin. ‘Um. I dunno,’ she says, giving me a look. ‘Someone left it at my house a few years ago. It fitted, so . . .’ She turns to me. ‘We have a plan to sneak you out of here. Dazza’s having a party. You can’t miss it. Nate’s playing his first real gig.’

  I want to hear him sing so desperately it hurts.

  ‘We can’t go,’ pipes up Maddy. ‘We’re gated. Didn’t Kate tell you? We got into this huge fight with the girls in our room.’

  Annie looks at Maddy like she’s speaking in tongues. ‘Um, yeah. She told me already. Listen, Katie. This is how it will work. You’ll come with us now. Your friend will cover for you. We’ll have you back before dinner. Promise. Come on. You can’t miss the gig.’

  ‘Kate. We can’t,’ says Maddy. ‘We have to clean up the courts.’

  I know she’s right but I really want to go. ‘Maddy, it’ll be fine. As long as I’m back for dinner I won’t be missed.’

  ‘You can come if you like,’ Nate says to Maddy.

  Annie looks at him and mouths ‘No,’ which Maddy doesn’t seem to notice. Or maybe she does but she doesn’t care.

  This seems to make Maddy change her mind. ‘Really? I dunno. It’s risky.’

  Annie leans an elbow on Nate’s shoulder and glares at Maddy. ‘I thought you were going to stay here and cover for Katie.’

  ‘She can come,’ says Nate. ‘We won’t be gone long. Just a few hours.’

  ‘We have to be back to clean the courts. Gabby will check,’ says Maddy. ‘And we should all leave separately. Make a meeting spot somewhere a few streets away.’

  ‘So we’re going?’ I ask.

  ‘Yeah. Let’s go,’ says Maddy.

  ‘Let’s bust you out.’ Nate smiles. ‘I’ve got a car now, Katie. It’s the bomb.’

  ‘Nah,’ argues Annie, giving Maddy a resentful look for crashing The Three Musketeers. ‘It’s a bomb.’

  As we drive off I notice Louise walking up the street alone, clutching a bag of lollies. Queen Harriet recently decided Louise was no longer welcome in their group. She was uncool and fat and was bringing down the standard of their try-hard clique. They held a sadistic little meeting in our room and sat Louise down to break the news to her.

  ‘Louise. We really like you,’ said Harriet, ‘but we just don’t think you should hang out with us anymore.’

  ‘Why not? What did I do?’ asked Louise, looking like she’d just been told her pet kitten had been smushed by a car.

  ‘Nothing. It’s just you should find your own friends. Anita Wu is always looking for someone to go down the shops with her. Maybe you could be her friend?’

  It was pretty obvious Louise didn’t want to be given Anita Wu as a consolation prize for losing three of her supposed best mates.

  She blubbered and begged to be let back in. ‘Don’t throw me out of your group. Please. I don’t have anyone else to hang out with.’

  ‘Louise, we’re sorry you’re upset but we won’t be changing our minds,’ said Harriet, with a look on her face that said the judges’ decision was final.

  ‘That’s so mean,’ said Maddy when the execution was over. ‘You guys should be ashamed of yourselves.’

  ‘Whatever. She didn’t fit in,’ said Harriet. ‘Anyway, who asked you?’

  Since then, Louise has been drifting around looking lost and sad.

  I caught her crying in the TV room, although she pretended her contact lens had flipped inside out. I want to tell her I know how it feels to be a lone satellite orbiting the earth, but every time I’m around her she tends to poke her nose in a book and hunch her shoulders like she doesn’t want to be disturbed.

  She’s crossing the road, absently chewing on a jelly snake when our eyes meet. Mine curious, hers shocked and round. I try to duck down in my seat but it’s too late. She’s seen me. We both know Maddy and I are supposed to be picking up chip packets on the tennis courts right now. Not driving off in some strange boy’s car.

  By the look on Louise’s face I can tell she’s just dying to get back to Norris and start making calls on her mobile. If she wanted to worm her way back into Harriet’s group, all she would have to do is turn us in. It seems too late to back out of the party now, even though I feel like maybe Maddy was right. Maybe it is too risky to sneak out. I don’t know what to do, so for now I just sit tight.

  Nate’s pretty proud of his 1998 Corolla, even though it’s missing a front light and a side-back window. He’s got Triple J on and we’re screaming along to it. I feel more normal than I have for weeks. We pull up next to a Volvo with a few kids in the back. The mother looks over with a frown a
s we stick our tongues out at her rugrats. She’s thinking: ‘I hope my angels don’t turn out like that.’

  Maddy’s somehow scored the front seat – something about her legs being too long and is yakking to Nate about his music. It’s the most I’ve ever seen Nate talk. Maddy is sucking up to him and pretending she doesn’t just listen to Love FM.

  I watch Nate’s hand and arm as he changes gear, and the curly strand of hair that keeps blowing over his cheek. He’s wearing a T-shirt I bought for him and that makes me happy.

  8

  On the way into the party I pull Maddy aside. ‘Listen. I just saw Louise.’

  ‘Where?’ asks Maddy.

  ‘At school. She saw us leaving in Nate’s car. She was coming back from the milk bar.’

  ‘Oh, no. Should we go back? Try to talk to her?’ Maddy says.

  ‘I dunno. Do you think she’ll dob? We’re not exactly friends with her. Maybe we should go back. But we’re already here now,’ I point out. I can hear the music in the house and I don’t want to miss the party. Maddy suddenly looks like a little girl with her mum’s make-up and high heels on. I’ve brought her into my world and I shouldn’t have. We could both get in major trouble.

  ‘You go,’ I say. ‘Go on. I don’t want you to get caught too.’

  Maddy shakes her head. ‘We’re in this together.’

  We both look at the house, then back to the street. It’s the cranking party. Or a tram to litter duty.

  Either way we might be caught. I’m completely torn.

  Finally Maddy sighs and whacks me on the arm with her shiny tote bag.

  ‘If we are going to get suspended we should at least go out with a bang,’ she says, stalking ahead of me.

  I feel a little tug of regret but I follow her into the house.

  The party is well underway. The Northcote High boys are smoking a bong on the front verandah. Jonesey, a skinny Emo kid wearing tight women’s jeans, is eating pizza like it’s the last food on the planet, and a girl with a buzz cut, dressed in a vintage men’s suit, is sprawled out on an old couch. At least I think it’s a girl. They nod and mutter ‘Hey dudes’ and wave us through the door.

  Inside we step through legs and bodies like a human obstacle course. It’s dark, the windows have been taped over with black garbage bags, and the music is so loud the walls are practically shaking. Some kids are spray-painting a piece on the kitchen wall.

  Nate takes my hand as we push through the crowd and I’m excited by the feel of his skin against mine. I want to put my arms around his narrow waist and never let go.

  ‘Just friends,’ I think. But there’s still a drizzle of hope.

  Maddy looks spooked and I don’t blame her. I’m used to this scene but I remember the first party Annie took me to. I wanted to go home after five minutes.

  ‘Hey!’ I shout over to Maddy, smiling at her. ‘It’s okay! I’ll look after you.’

  Nate pulls us outside and drops my hand, going over to a tiny girl with long, straight, blonde hair and a lip stud. I’m disappointed.

  I’m thinking, like an idiot, that today we will end up kissing again and he will confess that he has developed non-friendly feelings towards me.

  And then I see him bend over and kiss the blonde girl. On the lips.

  He pulls the girl towards us.

  ‘Katie, this is Jemina,’ he says, his arm around her corseted waist. Jemina is elfin and waifish. In the corner of her eye is a red teardrop with a tiny stuck-on diamante. She’s super pretty.

  I want to hold it together. That’s the plan. I fix a smile on my face and swallow hard, trying to focus on what Jemina is saying. But it’s like listening to someone shouting underwater. I go to say something but I’m already crying. I mumble that I need the loo and flee the scene. As I run away I hear Jemina asking Annie if I’m okay. And somehow it makes it even worse that she actually seems like a nice person.

  I’m not in the toilet for long before Annie finds me and demands that I talk to her. It takes me a while to get the words out.

  ‘When . . . (gulp) did . . . (snort) he . . . (wipe snot) get . . . (hiccup) a proper girlfriend?’

  Annie pushes my hair back from my face and wipes away the tears with her thumb.

  ‘You’ve been busy at school. She’s a new one. I don’t think it’s serious. You know what Nate’s like. I love him as a mate but I seriously don’t get his girl magnet quality,’ she says. ‘He’s so . . . greasy and unreliable.’

  ‘Maybe it’s the free popcorn chicken?’

  We collapse with laughter and Annie gets some toilet paper, wets it under the tap and fixes up my make-up.

  ‘Do you want a shot?’ Annie asks.

  ‘Yeah. I want two.’

  ‘That’s my girl.’

  It’s raining outside but we shelter under a plastic awning. I’m drinking fast. Drinking to get smashed.

  ‘I’ve got to help the band set up,’ Nate says. He touches my shoulder and I flinch. ‘Want another drink?’

  ‘Yeah,’ I say, trying to pretend everything is normal.

  He pours three solid rum and Cokes for Annie, Maddy and I. Jemina has drifted off with some of her school friends, so at least I don’t have to pretend to like her. I knock Maddy’s glass with mine. ‘Let’s scull.’ Maddy nods and we pour the sweet black liquid into our empty stomachs.

  ‘I’d better slow down,’ says Maddy as I grab a bottle of cider from the Esky and top our glasses up again. We’ve both had four very quick drinks.

  ‘Maybe we could get something to eat?’ she suggests. As she goes to sit down she tumbles over on her hands and knees. ‘I really need something to eat,’ she says. ‘Like a burger maybe?’

  ‘Eating’s cheating,’ says Annie. ‘Don’t let the team down.’

  I throw a packet of chips at Maddy. ‘Eat these. And have some water. You’ll be fine.’

  *

  Annie and I are on a makeshift cardboard dance floor. It’s freezing but I take off my jacket, tilt my head towards the sky and open my mouth to the rain. I spin around in a circle. Annie hugs me and we keep our arms around each other, looking up at the purple clouds.

  Maddy joins us. She’s tipsy and keeps banging into people and laughing hysterically. I pull her into our circle before she gets her head kicked in. ‘Should we go?’ she says.

  ‘Soon!’ I shout. ‘Let’s dance for a bit longer?’

  ‘Ten minutes?’ Maddy slurs, pointing at an imaginary watch on her wrist.

  ‘Yeah. We’ll go soon, I promise.’

  I swig on a melon-flavoured alcopop from a six pack that Annie brought.

  ‘Can I have one?’ Maddy asks.

  I wonder if she’s had too much to drink already. She’s obviously a lightweight.

  ‘Just have a sip of mine,’ I offer.

  She takes a long sip, draining half the bottle. I wrestle it out of her hands. She laughs and flings herself back into the middle of the crowd. She throws off her hoodie and pulls up her top, revealing a perfect flat stomach.

  ‘You have the best body,’ I shout.

  ‘I’m too skinny!’ she says. Then she puts her hands over her chest. ‘And I have no boobs. Wanna swap?’

  Mine are white and jiggling like milk puddings as I jump up and down. I can’t feel my face anymore and my feet are heavy and clumsy. Maddy shimmies her way into a group of drooling boys. Andrew, a skater with dirty hair and falling-down combat pants, grabs her. He tries it on with anything that moves. Maddy dances with Andrew for a bit and then lets him kiss her. Andrew’s friends laugh behind Maddy’s back and he encircles his thumb and forefinger and pokes another finger through. The universal sign for ‘I’m going to bang this girl, just watch me’.

  I pull Maddy away from him protectively.

  ‘He’s feral!’ I
shout in her ear.

  We decide to have one last drink before we leave, even though we’re all pretty drunk already. This is my problem. I don’t know when to say no.

  Maddy pours herself a straight Bundy, sculls it and reaches for the bottle again.

  I tug at Annie’s coat, giving her a look. We need to sober Maddy up somehow.

  ‘Let’s go inside,’ suggests Annie, while I steal the bottle from Maddy and put the cap firmly back on.

  We pile into one of the bedrooms and sprawl across the mattress on the floor, listening to music. There’s a guy there that I know from around, Peter Seltzer. He’s tall and skinny with a wonky nose and a cap pulled down over the worst of his acne. He starts playing with my hair and I let him. It feels so nice.

  Nate comes in and announces that Violent Glitter are ready to play. We should be getting back to school, but if I miss the gig Nate will want to know why. And even though he regularly crushes my feelings, for some pathetic reason I can’t bear to hurt his.

  ‘We’ll go straight after the gig,’ I tell Maddy.

  ‘You go watch. I’ll stay here,’ she says, curling up on the mattress and closing her eyes.

  ‘Are you okay?’ I ask her. ‘Do you need me to get you something else to eat? A glass of water?’

  ‘I’m fine. You go. I’m just going to have a little sleep.’ She giggles. ‘Night night.’

  Violent Glitter are cranking up their final song. Nate keeps his head down, watching his fingers find the strings. Their lead singer Wacca has a voice that resembles a chainsaw making contact with a metal object. All I can think is how much I don’t want to be here anymore. Especially because I have to watch beautiful Jemina swaying in the front row.

  When they finish, Nate looks up and she blows him a kiss. He smiles at her. Jemina turns around and pushes back through the crowd. She cups her delicate hand around my ear as she passes.

  ‘Nice to meet you, Kate. I’ve got to go to work, see you again soon.’

  ‘Oh, sure. Nice to meet you too,’ I lie.