I'll Tell You Mine Read online

  Lost in the sweaty press of bodies, knowing for sure my night with Nate was an embarrassing joke he will never repeat, I bump into Peter Selzter’s belly button. I look up at his wonky nose and for some reason think it will make me feel less heartbroken to let him kiss me.

  I’m hooking up with Peter. We’re in one of the bedrooms and I’m not as into it as he is. The sheets are filthy and smell like wet dog and there’s a homemade bong on the floor and a used condom swimming like a small jellyfish on the far wall. I close my eyes and let the world spin and feel his hands under my top, his tongue roughly parting my lips.

  ‘Is this okay?’ he asks.

  I want to stop him but I can’t seem to form the words, so I just lie back, bored, looking at a cockroach crawl across the ceiling. ‘Yeah.’

  He takes off his T-shirt and climbs on top of me.

  Someone comes into the room and grabs the bong from the floor. ‘Oops, sorry guys,’ they mutter, trying to sneak out quietly.

  I laugh into Peter’s mouth, my giggles muffled by his wet kisses.

  ‘What’s funny?’ he asks.

  ‘Nothing.’

  What’s funny is, could there be a less romantic situation than this one? Losing my v-chip won’t be white sheets and rose petals – but I think I can do better than a spare room at a party with Peter Seltzer.

  I elbow him off me, saying I need to go to the bathroom and practically run out of the room.

  ‘Wait. Are you coming back? Kelly?’ he shouts after me.

  It’s getting dark outside, Violent Glitter have packed up and nearly everyone has left the party. I don’t know where the time has gone. There are squashed plastic cups everywhere, cigarette butts and half-full bottles of beer and alcopops on every surface. I’m cold and I just want to crawl into bed and pass out. I remember that Maddy is still sleeping in one of the bedrooms and I resolve to wake her up and get us both out of here.

  The room smells like vomit. Maddy is lying with her head in a plastic bag and Nate is holding her hair back. Her top is falling down, mascara is streaked across her face. She’s a mess. She dry retches but there’s not much coming out, just green goo. I’m a complete idiot. I let her get this drunk. I should have stopped her sculling that last drink. What kind of friend am I?

  Nate rubs her bony back.

  ‘Is she okay?

  Nate shrugs. ‘What does it look like?’

  ‘I have to get her back to the boarding house. Will you help me clean her up?’

  ‘I think you should. She’s your friend,’ says Nate. And I feel a rare flash of anger towards him for bailing on me when I need him.

  ‘Maddy, don’t worry. I’m going to get you out of here,’ I say, pushing Nate roughly to one side.

  ‘I feel sick,’ she says, starting to cry.

  I’ve got to sort this out. Not someone else. Me. Everything seems to be moving too slowly. I run out to the kitchen and somehow manage to find a clean coffee cup in the cupboard. I fill it with water, grab a towel from the bathroom and soak it in water. Annie comes in and helps Maddy drink a few sips of water while I wash her face and hair with the towel. She smells awful. Nate slinks off like I knew he would. The scene is far too intense and unpleasant for him.

  ‘I’m all right. I’m okay now,’ Maddy says, slurring her words.

  ‘You are so not okay,’ I say.

  We try to get her to stand up but it’s like she’s a newborn foal, wobbling all over the place.

  ‘Let’s chuck her under the shower,’ Annie suggests.

  We strip off Maddy’s clothes and make her stand under the shower. We hold onto her hands so she doesn’t slip over.

  I slowly turn off the hot tap until the water runs cold. Maddy starts screaming, suddenly wide awake. ‘Turn it off! It’s freezing!’

  We dry her off and get her to brush her teeth with some random skanky toothbrush.

  ‘She looks okay now,’ says Annie.

  ‘Think we can get away with it?’

  ‘We have to try,’ says Annie.

  ‘Will you find Nate and ask him to drive us back?’ I beg.

  ‘I’ll find him,’ Annie says. ‘Go wait outside.’

  Nate looks at Maddy doubtfully as we bundle her into the back seat. ‘She’d better not spew,’ he says. ‘I’ve only had this car for three weeks. I just changed the seat covers.’

  He finds a plastic bag on the floor of the car and gives it to me. ‘Here, hold this. If she even looks like spewing put it over her mouth.’

  ‘Chill out, Mr Bossypants,’ says Annie. ‘It’s not like you drive a freaking Mercedes.’

  Nate hasn’t been drinking so even though he’s being a tool, I know we’re okay with him behind the wheel. And I think, apart from not sleeping with Peter Seltzer, that might be the only smart decision I’ve made today.

  Nate drives us to the boarding house with Annie in the passenger seat and Maddy and I squashed up in the back. Unlike Maddy I now feel completely, totally sober. Take-a-driving-test, ace-a-maths-exam and have-tea-with-Grandma sober. I’m scared stiff that when I get to the boarding house, it will all be over. I will have crossed the line into total teen delinquency and no one will ever trust me again. And why should they, really?

  A worm of rain trickles down the window, fogged up with my panicked, heavy breathing as we wait for yet another red light. Nate is driving slowly and carefully and it seems to be taking forever. We’re all silent. This can’t end well. I’ve snuck out dozens of times before. But never without a good alibi and never from a fully patrolled boarding school.

  The red brick block of Norris looms at the top of the street. Will there be a search party and sniffer dogs patrolling the perimeter? Will our parents have been alerted to our disappearance? A string of drool hangs from Maddy’s mouth. I shake her and she struggles to open her eyes. ‘We’re here,’ I say. She’s still drunk but at least she can walk now. I get her out of the car with Annie’s help.

  ‘Wish me luck,’ I say to Annie.

  Annie looks at me seriously.

  ‘I shouldn’t have talked you into coming to Dazza’s.’

  ‘Nobody talks me into anything, Annie. I make all my worst decisions on my own.’

  ‘Yeah, but, maybe we should I dunno . . . slow it down a bit? I’d hate for you to get expelled over some crap house party.’

  I put my arm around Maddy to hold her upright. My head is pounding. Annie’s right. I really need to sort myself out. I’m already on my second chance.

  ‘I miss you heaps, Annie. I’ll call you later.’

  I’d say goodbye to Nate but he’s zoned out, eyes closed, listening to music and drumming the steering wheel.

  ‘Good luck,’ Annie says, getting back in the front seat and closing the door.

  I look at Nate’s beaten up car as it drives away, wishing I was still in it.

  I get Maddy up the back stairs just before dinner. She reeks of booze and vomit so I plan to get her straight into bed. Jess bounces down the stairs, blonde plaits swinging.

  ‘Aren’t you coming to dinner? What’s wrong with Maddy? Is she sick?’

  ‘Yeah, she’s not feeling well. Okay?’

  I push Maddy past Jess. I’ve warned her not to speak. At all. Until we get into our room.

  We stagger up the stairs. I pray we don’t see Gabby because I won’t be able to get past her trouble radar. She’ll have us pinned in three seconds.

  Louise hangs out in the hall, outside our room. It seems like she’s waiting for us. I look at her. She looks at me. Has she blabbed yet? Either way, she knows. I might as well use it to my advantage.

  ‘Oi,’ I say. ‘Can you get the door for us?’ Louise looks at me, her mouth slightly open, her eyes wide. ‘Yes. I’m talking to you, Louise. Can you help?’

  My arm
aches from holding Maddy up. If I let go of her I’m afraid she’ll tumble over.

  Louise opens the door and grabs Maddy from the other side. The room is empty, which is our first hurdle over. Maddy flops onto her bed, giggling. She has no idea how close we are to being caught. She’s still smashed.

  ‘Close that door,’ I tell Louise. We are co-conspirators now.

  ‘Is she drunk?’ asks Louise.

  ‘Yeah,’ I say. No point trying to hide anything now. I just have to hope Louise isn’t the fluffy white sheep I think she is.

  I pull the covers up around Maddy and pour her a glass of water from a jug on Jess’s perfect side table. Then I put a towel on her pillow, something my mum used to do when I was sick as a kid.

  ‘Don’t get up,’ I tell her. ‘Unless you need to spew. I’m going to say you have period pain. Period pain. Okay? Let’s go to dinner,’ I say to Louise.

  It’s pizza night – the best food of the week so there are lots of girls milling around, stuffing themselves with slices and salad. My feet ache in my tight boots and I just want to eat, be seen and turn the lights out on this really long day. It’s loud in the dining hall – louder than a weekday when everyone knows there’s study to be done.

  There’s an air of anticipation. The Asian Mafia, with their Hello Kitty handbags and $400 skinny jeans, are heading out to a movie in the city – some action flick, followed by gelatinous iced tea. The Year Twelves are scabbing a free meal to line their stomachs before a Holston party in South Yarra and the Year Sevens are planning a night in the common room, complete with snacks and DVDs.

  There are only a couple of people with no actual Saturday night plans and Louise is one of them. She’s poking food around her plate – just a few leaves of lettuce and a glass of water. It’s like she’s on a diet or something, even though we both know she’s eaten a kilo of lollies today.

  She gives me a nervous look and I can hardly believe that my fate lies with her. ‘I saw you today,’ she whispers. ‘With that guy. Is he your boyfriend?’

  ‘No. Just a friend.’

  ‘He’s cute.’

  ‘You think so?’

  ‘Yeah. Do you like him?’

  There’s something about Louise’s soft face and smudged glasses that makes me trust her. ‘I did. He has a girlfriend now.’

  She moves her chair closer to me. ‘I like Grant Skenner. Harriet’s boyfriend.’

  ‘Really? Why?’ All I can think of when anyone mentions Grant Skenner is the way he held Harriet by the jaw as he kissed her, his fingers pressing into her cheeks.

  ‘We used to be friends. In primary school. I got with him once, before I got fat.’

  I’m so shocked by this piece of information I actually gasp out loud. Louise with Captain-of-Rowing Grant. ‘When?’ I ask.

  ‘At a party in Shepparton. After a tennis day. He even tried to feel me up.’

  ‘What happened?’

  ‘Nothing. He pretended it didn’t happen. The next day he wouldn’t even look at me.’

  ‘Louise, Grant’s not crushworthy. Trust me, you’re better off without him.’

  Gabby zooms in from across the dining hall, wearing a netball skirt, a crisp white polo top and bouncy joggers. She’s a state under-21s rep. Her sportiness is another good example for us girls.

  ‘Gotta go,’ I tell Louise, jumping up from the table. I speed-walk across the room but Gabby’s on a mission, practically running towards me.

  ‘Kate!’ she shouts. ‘Wait a minute!’

  Louise freezes, a forkful of leaves hovering in mid-air near her mouth.

  Uh-oh. Did Louise tell? If she did I’ve been sitting with the enemy, spilling my secrets. We are so sprung.

  Gabby catches up to me and I’m trapped. I can’t make a run for it up the stairs. Gabby is fitter, stronger and faster than I am. She’s a centre in netball – one of those nuggetty girls who can run non-stop for the whole game. Me? I’m a goal-keeper. Tall plodders who stick to the goal circle.

  I picture my parents arriving at Norris and the long, silent drive home. The screaming match in the good room. The ‘We’re very disappointed in you’, followed by another grounding and halting of pocket money, TV, music, the internet, my phone and anything that gives me a reason to live. I think about this being over. The boarding house experiment. Despite begging my parents to take me out of here I’m not ready for that yet.

  Then I notice Gabby is smiling. I don’t think I’ve seen her clean, white teeth since our orientation afternoon when she turned them on high beam for Dad. ‘Hey,’ she says casually, ‘I just wanted to say thanks.’

  ‘What for?’ I manage to choke out.

  She squeezes the upper part of my arm as if I already know. ‘For the great job you and Maddy did on the tennis courts today. I’ve just been down there to check on them and I’ve never seen them so spotless.’

  ‘Oh,’ I say, ‘sure. No problem.’

  Gabby smiles again. Her whole face looks different when her lips aren’t clenched into a grim, determined line. ‘Where’s Maddy?’ she asks.

  My heart is beating so hard Gabby can probably hear it.

  ‘Period pain,’ I say easily. This isn’t the first time I’ve lied to an adult. I’m quite good at it.

  ‘Aw,’ says Gabby, rubbing her tummy in sympathy. ‘Poor thing. Tell her if she needs a hot wheatbag or a herbal tea to come to my room.’

  ‘Okay, thanks,’ I say, gobsmacked.

  ‘You’re not having chocolate pudding?’ she asks, gesturing to the brown muck hardening in a silver tray.

  ‘No. Not today. I’m, uh, full.’

  ‘My team played a friendly against Queensland today,’ she says, skipping off in the direction of the pudding. ‘I’m so starving!’

  Puzzled, I look back at Louise and she gives me a big smile. The pieces slot together. Louise covered for us. I picture her down at the courts, getting soaked by the rain and picking up every last chip packet and juice popper, just so Maddy and I wouldn’t get in trouble. ‘Did you clean the courts today?’ I ask her.

  ‘Yep.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘I had nothing better to do,’ she admits.

  ‘Really?’

  ‘I know it sounds sad,’ she says. ‘Since Harriet chucked me out of her group I don’t have much on my social calendar.’

  ‘Thank you.’

  ‘That’s okay.’

  Relieved and grateful, I go upstairs, lie down on my bed and listen to Maddy snore her head off. I can’t sleep. For hours I replay every minute of the disastrous day, over and over, still terrified we will be caught. I whisper to myself, ‘I will never sneak out again’, and pinch my palm hard, just to make sure the message gets through. Finally, sometime in the early morning, I’m released into sleep.

  9

  It’s a surprise visit. Or an ambush. I’m lying on my stomach on the carpet playing cards with Maddy and eating Milo out of the tin with a spoon when Dad pops his head around the door. We’re not even out of our pyjamas.

  ‘Jeez. Big night girls?’ he asks.

  Liv skips into the room wearing sneakers that light up in the heel, and flings herself onto my back. I’m thrilled to see her. I stand up and piggyback her around the room, like I used to when she was a toddler.

  Last night feels like a bad dream. We’ve been lying around the room all morning feeling sorry for ourselves. Maddy is onto her third bottle of Gatorade. She bribed a Year Eight to go down to the corner shop and buy her a bag of hot chips with extra salt and extra sauce. But when the girl came back with them, Maddy blanched and ran to the toilets to throw up again.

  Liv stares at Maddy. She’s wrapped up in her doona, just her wild hair and blotchy face sticking out. For once, she looks nothing like a supermodel.

  ‘Hi – I’m Mad
dy, Kate’s friend,’ Maddy says to Dad, trying to rally.

  Dad offers his hand to her. ‘Hello Maddy, I’m Kate’s dad, David. And this is Kate’s sister, Olivia.’

  I put Liv back on the floor and he hands me a plastic container.

  ‘What’s this?’

  ‘Open it.’

  I peel off the lid. Inside, stacked rows of crisp honey joys glisten invitingly. Mum used to make them for me to eat after school.

  ‘Mum made them. She thought you might like to share them around with your friends.’

  ‘Oh. She’s baking now? When does she find time?’

  Liv jiggles from foot to foot, barely containing her excitement at the sight of so much sugar. I hold out the container and her chubby hand dives in and collects two, shoving one in her mouth while she looks lovingly at the other.

  ‘What are you doing here?’ I ask. ‘I’m gated, remember?’

  ‘I remember. I checked with Miss Gordon and she said it’d be okay if Liv and I took you out to eat, just for an hour or so. How about I fill you up with junk food that your mother would disapprove of? Maccas?’

  ‘Macca’s will work,’ I say, throwing the blanket off my shoulders.

  ‘Daddy, why is Kate still in her pyjamas?’ asks Liv.

  ‘I dunno, Liv. What I don’t know about teenage girls you could fit in a book. Let’s wait downstairs, shall we?’

  *

  Liv licks the top off her caramel sundae and her eyes nearly roll back into her head with pleasure.

  ‘Give your old man a bite, Livvo,’ Dad says. He takes a plastic spoon from his coffee, leans over and shoves it into the ice-cream, excavating a huge mound of white soft serve and half the sauce. Liv looks down at the avalanche-sized hole in her sundae and her bottom lip starts wobbling. ‘Daa-ad. You said a bite,’ she huffs. ‘Not the whole thing.’

  Dad smiles, his mouth still full of melting ice-cream. ‘I only had a bite,’ he says. He winks at me and I smile for the first time.

  Liv wanders away from us with her ice-cream, protecting it.

  ‘It’s good to see you,’ Dad says. ‘We’ve been missing you at home.’